Bernard Beer Blog

For the last 4 months, my partner and I have been recreationally using heroin. H became our weekend ritual. Lighting candles, playing music, brie and wine and grapes, reading tarot and finally fucking… for hours on end,the most intense beautiful technicolor sex. Each time we did it we got closer to each other. And each time we did it, we wanted to do it again, and again. We tried saying we’d only do it once every two weeks, but that lasted 6 days. We have rules about how much we do in one night, how late we stay up and so on. So far the rules have kept us safe from addiction. Unless you consider the nagging i-don’t-wanna-go-a-weekend-or-have-sex-without-it feelings. We’ve never run out, although, once we were down to our last little bit and I left the vial open on the night stand. I was reaching for the lube when I heardthe most sickening sound, the vial falling over. Turns out, I was mistaken, I had remembered to put the cap back on. But in those few seconds of uncertainty, my girl and I shot each other a look we had never seen before.. Fear.

The cocaine arrived and we agreed to use it at a time that translated to three and a half hours after I arrived. It cost $60 for what I was told was an eighth of a gram. This seemed rather expensive, but I was assured that it was ‘high quality product.’ I took the line up my left nostril. After about ninety seconds, I felt my heartbeat increase. It was definitely kicking in. I began to worry a bit, as I could feel my heart pounding and my pulse increasing. I finally felt as if it had reached a plateau. My heartbeat became level, albeit still very high. Many people say that one feelseuphoria – being invincible and/or the desire to clean the house. I did not feel either of these (and I did remember to think about these things). For me, the positive effects of cocaine came directly from knowing that I had reached a plateau and I was going to be fine. I felt invigorated, yet also very comfortable.

We first smoked meth on New Year’s Eve because we heard it was great for sex. I had to work the next day and so saved some to smokebefore work in the morning. When I got home another g was waiting for me and I smoked every day but one until I finally quit three months later. For three weeks we smoked meth with little consequence, then my skin became fragile and in addition to breaking out, started to swell. I was really worried because I was constantly thirsty and drinking water, but I rarely urinated. Then my kidneys started hurting. I had lost twenty pounds in two months and my husband had lost thirty, and we’d read somewhere that rapid weight loss can cause kidney failure. I slept every three or four days for an hour or so and woke feeling rested. I was an hour late for work everyday. My husband wrecked the truck three times. One day I forgot to feed my son. Everything was either the highest of highs or the lowest of lows, no in between existed anymore. We were bannedfrom the sauna at our apartment complex because no one else could use it. Our sweat smelled so strongly of ammonia it burned the eyes, it was caustic, and it burned our skin too. My husband and I haven’t done any drugs at all for four weeks, and things are slowly going back to normal. But I still want it. I can’t sleep tonight because I want it. I wrote this in all honesty mostly to help myself, to remind myself why I don’t want it. And still I want it.

As I held the smoke in for a ten count and exhaled, I thought I felt nothing except a little excitement that was neither bad nor pleasurable. The complete rush some writers have called a ‘whole-body orgasm’ hit me shortly after and I distinctly remember demanding ‘more’ as soon as the realization of heaven-on-earth came. Some people say that the effects of smoking crack lasts 10-15 minutes. For me, it was just a shortest instant of gratification. Everything afterwards was just a great increase in energy and confidence geared towards obtaining more of the drug.

About ten years ago I bought my third trip from a guy in my home town Norwich (UK) It was a ‘Strawberry’ and I was told it had been double dipped. The guy had a reputation for selling good acid so I happily gave him my cash. I took the single LSD tab in the late morning in a positive state of mind with no worries or anxieties. I began to come up on the acid towards the lunch time. It was to be the first and last time I’d ever trip alone. Outside it was a glorious sunny day but I was happy enough in my temporary sanctuary to even think about going outside. The LSD rush started blazing up my spine and racing through my guts, I felt a little uneasy with it but had enough mind to allow myself to just go with it and wait until the rush plateaued. I was having a wonderful time, watching floral Escher type patterns breathing over my skin. I vaguely recall deciding to go downstairs again for some reason then the next thing I recall was awakening on the floor of the dining room alone. The first thing I noticed was that there were blowflies buzzing around a bowl of catfood on the kitchen floor. I remember feeling perplexed as to why both flies had two bright neon after images in red and blue. Somehow I navigated myself through Norwich during the busy lunchtime shoppers and begun to head in the direction of the city’s central park ‘Chapelfield gardens’. If you could imagine for a moment being surrounded by people in a busy place where their heads had been removed and replaced by Squids and Octopus you might begin to accurately picture the scene confronting me in the park. Everyone had tentacles smothering their faces and dangling down their necks like fleshy snake beards, even the women and children were not exempt from this disfiguration. In retrospect, it was the worst day of my entire life, It was the closest I can imagine to having full blown psychosis.

Sitting comfortably in our cosy living room, Café del Mar and similar CDs playing in the background, we began at 8 pm. I swallowed one white tablet with water. Over the next hour nothing much happened except that I found myself talking quite openly and confidently with the others, moving very easily into interesting conversations. This was a little unusual for me as I am normally quite shy and overly self-conscious in social situations and it takes me a while to loosen up. The next thing I experienced was a striking shift in my visual perception. I don’t mean a hallucination or a distortion, but a wonderful step up in the aesthetic quality. For a moment it was like being in one of those nostalgic TV ads where the world looks all gold and sepia. ‘Everything’s gone amber!’ I blurted. But then I found that my vision was becoming beautifully enhanced. It made my normal visual experience seem like cheap, fuzzy CCTV footage in comparison. Now I was seeing the world anew in sharp, lush, top-quality Technicolor! I also began to move in time to the music. The music! Oh, the music! Wow! It sounded so good, so organic! The uplifted state stayed with me and took a long time to fade — at least a couple of weeks. It had unleashed in me a rush of joy that was still accessible when I focused on it weeks later.

I remember that what I smoked was much easier to smoke than marijuana. There was no burning in my throat nor in my lungs. I took a very large, smooth hit. Smoking it like marijuana, I held it in for about 10 or 15 seconds and let it out. It didn’t taste like marijuana, I remember the taste being rather faint. It actually tasted and smelled like incense. I was very surprised to suddenly find myself on the floor, in the dark, with a crowd of people surrounding me. Apparently I had fainted and fallen to the ground, but I hadn’t noticed. The high itself is rather hard to describe. It was much more intense than marijuana. It felt heavy, like my whole body was being impacted… but it also felt very clear and refined at the same time. As I made my way towards the bathroom the drug began to kick in again. My steps kind of faded away and it felt like I was just floating over to the bathroom. The scary thing was though, that I was having trouble seeing. My vision was fading. Distinct figures melted into shadows and everything had a sparkle to it. All of a sudden, everything felt really good. I couldn’t stop smiling. Everything was profound in a very positive way, especially the music since it resonated everywhere. It was a very abstruse experience. I imagine that I was coming down at this point, an hour had surely past by because the band was building a climax to end their first set. I went along with the crowd and made my way outside. The fresh air was wonderful. The cool air seemed to wrap around my body. A slight breeze on the back of my neck sent chills that rapidly multiplied throughout my body.

After taking that first hit, and not feeling the effects within a minute (holding it in for a minute, and then waiting a little bit after exhaling) I decided, well I better hit this again, harder if I can. I took just as large of a hit, and again held it in for longer than a minute. I let my brother know I was really starting to feel something now and I don’t think I liked it all. It snuck up on me really bad, and I still had no idea what to expect. I wanted him to be quiet. Laying down was not helping, so I got back up. I went back to the garage and tried to explain to everyone ‘I am totally fucked up. This is scary!’ I was rationalizing everything tremendously, but it was SO intense! And it was only getting more intense faster! I didn’t know what to expect, I was sinking within myself, accelerating downward like into the depths of my own oblivion. I was a novice, I had no idea what to expect, and the world had become out of synch, the talking of my brothers, his friend, all ridiculous and extremely annoying. I became amazingly irritable and wanted them to leave me alone or not talk in my presence. They did not understand or appreciate my fear, and they began to get loud again. I ran upstairs to my parents bed and laid down with some wistful hope that I could wait out this storm.

I had acquired about 8 grams of dried mushrooms and some liquid psilocybin equivalent to another 5 grams of powdered mushrooms. I swallowed the liquid first, on an empty stomach of course. I could feel a slight sensation after about 10-15 minutes. Then I added the powder to some water in a mug and swallowed that also. I then sat by the camp fire, listening to the wind in the trees while I contemplated what was about to happen. After about 45-50 minutes I heard a ‘voice’ calling to me. It wasn’t audible in the normal sense – it came from inside my own mind! Then I was gone – out of this world. I escaped into what I perceived to be the outer boundaries of my mind or my imagination. This placed presented itself as a natural forest with low light. Here I met the owner of the aforementioned voice – the Mushroom Goddess. She took the form of a white, strapless, ankle-length dress, standing side-on from me. For about the next two hours I dialoged with her, becoming totally bewitched by her charm, her wit, her intelligence, her knowledge, her unconditional affection for me and her seemingly infinite perspective. I have come to think of her as my other-worldly girlfriend.

When I was taking the drug, I used very small amounts. The effect was incredibly pleasant and social, so much so that me and my friends all used it instead of booze for almost a year. I couldn’t dance for shit on the stuff (I’d get stumbly and actually fell on my ass on the dancefloor once) but the physical sensations and mental pictures were really fun. It is quite different from any psychedelic visuals or even Ketamine visuals…more like rolling through old film footage. To be honest, I liked it more than my experiences on Ketamine. PCP can make one nearly impervious to pain at high doses. Because of this, PCP can make things seem like a good idea that otherwise wouldn’t (leading to the stories of people leaping out of windows, etc.) I experienced very confusing physical reality when really high on it, like being unable to discern the difference between walking up stairs and down them, or standing still and walking. This could lead to very unusual behaviour.